I have a few questions for you...
Do you often hold yourself back because you don't want to upset the other person?
Do you worry about making others feel bad?
Do you avoid questioning others because you don't want to put them on the spot?
Do you avoid ruffling feathers?
Do you suffer discomfort but don't ever make others uncomfortable?
Are you worried about what others think of you?
Do you want others to always think highly of you?
Do you frequently suppress your own needs to avoid upsetting others and thereby, prevent yourself from reclaiming your power?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, I have another question for you. How has this behavior impacted your career - job opportunities, promotion?
If you want to find success and reclaim your power, you have to stop being too nice.
I have been that person who was too nice. I had a hard time speaking up for myself or taking a stand and feeling personally empowered. I did not like interrupting others or questioning people, especially those in more authoritative positions.This behavior didn't really serve me as well especially when I moved into a people oriented role. I often had to influence without authority and being introverted, I always hesitated. I had to hold others accountable and get work done from them. I had to showcase my leadership abilities.
Someone finally gave me the feedback that I was being too nice. As I dug into the feedback, I realized that leadership in the modern workplace looks different. There are certain traits and characteristics that become required for senior positions.
It is harder to get results by avoiding direct conversations. One has to prove their credibility over and over again and it gets pretty tiring. You end up overworked and feel under appreciated. This leads to resentment and dislike for people or an organization. Moving teams or changing companies may not be the right solution. You have to introspect and start standing up for yourself.
Leaders don't become leaders by holding back or being too nice!
They become leaders by pushing the envelope. They are direct. They are firm. They take a stance. Let me clarify that not being too nice doesn't mean you have to be rude or you have to be a mean person. You can stand your ground without being mean. You can have compassion and be polite but still get what you need by having a direct and timely conversation.
Reclaim Your Power: 3 Steps to Empowerment
1. Notice it
Start building an awareness of the situations where you bite your tongue and don't speak up in meetings or 1:1s. Make it part of your personal development goals. You may feel the urge to speak but start thinking a million things in your head. And maybe after the moment passes, you start dwelling on the situation, finding imaginary alternate endings where you would have said something.
If someone didn't respond appropriately, appeared to dismiss your opinion or question and made an assumption that was false. How did you feel in the moment?
What are some of the physical signals you notice? Do you literally bite your tongue? Is your heart beating faster? Are you clenching your teeth or rolling your eyes. Sometimes our bodies react even before the mind becomes aware. Once you notice these physical signals, start documenting them for the next 2-3 weeks. Assess the situation and think what you might have said. Practice to say it when you are alone.
Also write down how you felt at the end of the day when you didn't say something. Write out emotion words.
2. Act on it
Once you start being aware, you will notice these signals faster. At that point, ignore the inner resistance, swallow the lump in your throat and just say it. Embrace a growth mindset. If your question is not being answered, just ask again saying something like "I don't think that was the answer I was looking for". Or if you don't get a delivery timeframe, ask about it specifically. There are various situations, but just collect your thoughts and make an effort to say it so you get what you want.
Now note your observations of the situation - what did you get out of the interaction, how did the other person react, how did it make you feel at the end of the day. What was the impact of you finding your courage. I can guarantee that you will feel better at the end of the day.
When you start communicating in these scenarios, be straightforward and clear. Don't beat around the bush. You can stick to facts and data as they are hard to argue with. Don't make any assumptions or point fingers. Be objective, talk about the impact to the project, team or company. Keep emotions at bay during such conversations.
3. Practice it and find an ally
Start exercising your self-empowerment muscle repeatedly. Different scenarios may arise, and while you may notice some and miss others, don't hold yourself back; follow steps 1 and 2. The more practice and use this muscle, the more confidence you will build over time.
It is also important to build a community of allies around, as these individuals play a crucial role in overcoming obstacles. They help us grow by providing feedback and support in challenging situations. If you can be open with an ally and ask for their help, they will give you courage and the confidence. Talk to people you trust or admire and learn from them as well.
When you are able to stand for yourself, you will be able to stand up for the people you lead. These people will trust you to have their back and give them air cover when needed.
I hope you got some clarify today. Every person has a leader within that needs to come out. By reclaiming your power, you can be one too. You will be able to handle any new situation with ease. As you go from a new leader to a seasoned one, you will encounter more tough conversations, but you will have the confidence to navigate those.
If you want to hear more on this topic, check out my podcast where I share my personal experiences around this topic.
Do you want to reclaim your power and find success on your terms? If you want someone to help bring the best out of you, I can help. Contact to set up an introductory consultation.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is the one thing I need to stop doing to reclaim my power?
To reclaim your power, you need to stop prioritizing the comfort of others at the expense of expressing your own needs and opinions. This means no longer suppressing your thoughts out of fear of causing discomfort or upsetting others.